I love that we are made to be dependent on our Maker.
That in everything, it isn't about us and what we can or can't get right.
It isn't about what we can do for ourselves.
It is about God and His Glory!
I have so much to say,
I just have no words.
Right now my heart is crying out:
Lost, Joyful, Confused, Hopful.
Beautiful the mess we are!
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect
in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so
that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2Cor 12:9
Monday was a decision day for me. What to wear, why to wear. When I finally put my clothes on I was wearing (top to bottom) earrings, a necklace, long sleeve over tank top, a bracelet, pants, and shoes. Whoo-hoo. I was presentable, cute, and I was proud. I was grateful to have a wardrobe of clothes and not to be running around half neck-ad.
Tuesday I wore a cardigan over shirt over a tanktop, necklace, headband, skirt (total shocker!), and shoes. IT was hard. I wanted to be able to just grab something and go. It is so easy to just pop out of bed, throw on some sweat pants, and grab a shirt. Especially because I am a stay home mom. NO one is going to see me anyway. Granted, in the future I won't be requiring myself to wear 7 things so maybe it won't be as complicated.
But right now, I am trying to figure out for myself how to dress with out a ridiculous amount of fuss that in the end is presentable and functional. Where is the line?
Today, I have no answers for anything. Today, I am lost right where I need to be.
Bless the Lord, O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass, And whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find
And on that day when my strength is failing The end draws near and my time has come Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
This is my prayer for this week, and forever more.
I find excuses all the time for my laziness
or lack of go-gettum.
I will wake with the sun singing and worshiping my maker.
I pray to be still joyfully singing come bedtime.
When I am lacking, I pray he fills me with praise,
This week the author Jen Hatmaker wore only 7 articles of clothing for the entire month. If you know me well, this would be above and beyond easy. I thought this would balance the difficulty that was food and what is to come. I can and have easily pick a pair of yoga pants, capri sweats, 2 tank tops, a over shirt, cardigan, and tennis shoes. I can tell you how that will end, pretty boringly. I probably would have learned nothing. I am in no way trying to pick on those who would have great difficulty. If there is one thing we all know with out a shadow of doubt it is that we are all different and struggle with different things. The thought of this of this week's challenge upsets me for a different reason than I have to give up a portion of my wardrobe. The fact that it would be too easy bothers me. I have been pregnant or nursing for about 5 years, and in this time I have put on a lot of weight. I have refused to buy new clothes in the size I am because I have it in my head that I will lose weight. The majority of what I own is tank tops, yoga/sweat pants, and leggings. I care to an extent not to look too slobbish in public, but at home I am totally slobbish. We aren't called to a life of comfort, and this is just too comfortable for me. This is a place in my life that I am continually struggling with, I need to take more care with my appearance. Despite the saying "Never judge a book by it cover" we definitely take that first impression very seriously. (OR at least I do) And to be honest, I highly doubt I ever give off the best first visual impression. And I think the only word worthy of describing it all is laziness. Pure and simple laziness.
This book is about excess. I will be honest, my wardrobe is not bursting at the seams...but my laziness is. God is moving my heart in a different direction, which may seem weird, but that is okay with me.
My challenge for myself is to wear 7 articles of clothing a day. What you say? Yea, I know....total black sheep. I'm not going to make it easy for myself in this task. Pairs of things count as one, shoes...one item. I must have bottoms on, top on, socks, and shoes. That's four right there. Three more to go. I don't know what they will be, but something. I have to do something with my hair, brush it out and then ponytail it.....doesn't matter, I just have to do something. And I must have it all done by 8am. Why you say? Because seriously, if the kids and I have no where to be....if I get dressed it sometimes doesn't happen till after lunch. LAZY!
This week I am giving up my lazy, comfortable habits. I will get up and rejoice in the day that my Lord has made. I will clothe myself and attack the day with a whole-heartedness. When I am feeling tired and ready to give in, I will lean on the my Lord to fill me with joy and a sense of urgency because the day will not wait on me nor will the tasks He has in mind for me. I won't waste another day pouting because I do not look the way I want or wallowing in laziness.
I have been encouraged, uplifted, and changed in the last 4 days.
I will continue to eat my 7 foods for the next 3 days. BUT today and tomorrow I am adding caffeine. I have 24 hours to get my house into birthday party ready. My tiniest son is turning 1. I'm excited and sad all at the same time. I have no idea where his first year of life has gone. It flew buy. He has been a ray of complete sunshine for me. His smiles are contagious and his laugh infectious. His brothers are experiencing his first milestones and are comprehending that they each had moments like this in their life. I LOVE MY LIFE!
I love this life my Heavenly Father has blessed me with. I have these sweet boys who show me life in a whole new perspective. Just today they destroyed their closet, which I have put together time and again. I was so upset I called my grandmother who reminded me they don't think they way I do. To them it was an adventure, a very exciting one. To them, they weren't destroying hours of work, they were climbing the tallest of obstacles to the treasure. And they won!
I love my husband who still loves me with all my craziness. And it is alot of crazy ya'll!
I don't always like my body, but I love who I am. God gave me this body, just as he entrusted me with my babies, to take care of. I need to nourishing, train it, discipline it, and cherish it. This is the only one I get and despite what I think, I have complete control over what I put in it. And this extends past food...to the books, tv, and people I let influence me. I have control over whether or not I lazy around all day or get up and get to it. Whether I watch tv or worship my Father. I have control. I have control because He has given it to me. I just need to rise to the occasion and take it! Not just ride along hoping someone else takes the wheel for me.
I try to wrap my mind around the fact that I am not alone in this walk, this journey that is life. I am not the only person struggling to follow Christ. I know in my heart of hearts that others have struggles, just because they aren't always right there...front and center...doesn't mean it isn't there. And I know that not everybody struggles the same way or with the same things, but sometimes it easy to just assume that everything just comes easier and natural to those around you. But this week, sharing this specific fasting journey with many others, I have seen their struggles. This wasn't easy and wasn't meant to be, but in the end it has been so worth it.
This week I have proven to myself that I can make a difficult lifestyle change and stick to it. One of the smaller victories for myself has been the loss of 5 whole pounds. It is actually 20% of a weight loss goal I have set for myself. I didn't have any dietary aid this week. Just 7 raw ingredients and water.
I am grateful for the eye opening experiences I have had this week and the chances for worship and prayer I have had. I am thankful for finding a new dependance....that has truely always been there, I just have never used Him. And for the changes in my days that I can see extending into the future.
My milk had decreased and I am not sure how I feel about it. I'm in the process of trying to ween tiny, but he isn't ready to be completely done. It's not a big deal because he likes formula and silk. Yesterday I found myself lacking in the milk department, formula-less, and without a drop of silk. By some miracle I was able to nurse him to sleep for a much needed nap. I thought that by the time he woke up I would have more made. I was super tired and still had that stupid caffeine headache. As I am figuring out what I could do quietly my doorbell rings and the big boys coming running yelling from their room. "Someone is here! Who is here! MOM!!!" "Ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I am right here and your brother is....eeerrrr was asleep." It was Daniel's grandmother. She randomly drops by about once a week. She comes to play with the boys and I try so hard to get work done in the hour or two that she is there. It quickly becomes apparent to me that my tiny is not going to be okay with being awake, and there is no way he is just going to go back to sleep. Ahhhh, what I would do for a Dr. Pepper. My head is pounding and my baby is screaming. I tell Mam (great-gramma) that I am going to find the baby some formula. I first hit the TootNTotum by my house, I know I have seen some formula in there. And HEY, I am getting me a Dr. Pepper. I mean, seriously, God would not have provided and opportunity for me to get out and get one if it wasn't meant to be right?? Well, my TootNTotum no longer carries formula, what?? Argh!! Hmm. What to do? For starters, I'm not getting ONLY a Dr. Pepper on the credit card. I hop back into my car and jet off down the road to the next closest store, Family Dollar. They sell bottles, I know I have picked up baby food there, surely there is formula. As I am getting out of the car this man is sitting against the building. My first thoughts, 'Please don't ask me for money, Please, Please just don't'. "Mam?", he asks. I am deflated. "Mam, could you please by me some food? Just a TV dinner or two?" Bam! Here I am, been praying for the hungry of other countries, my fasting friends, and myself....with every self made barrier I come to, and this man of my own country is hungry asking for food. So, I tell him I will see what I can find. I get in the store and NO FORMULA! Ugh!! What am I going to do? I have no desire to go all the way to WalMart. I start walking over to the frozen foods for the fella outside. As I am standing there I start pondering. ....if this man is homeless, how is he supposed to cook these? and if he doesn't cook them now, they will thaw and go bad. am I being had? Do I have sucker written on my forehead. But seriously, what are the odds I would be out of my house right now with all the food I need at home and that somebody would ask me for food while I am in this place in life. Well, I will buy him something, but it won't be a frozen meal. I found a couple lunchables and a large box of poptarts. I was debating on some trailmix or something with protein. While walking up and down the isles what did my little eye spy?? A box of silk milk!!! Yes! Jackpot! I grabbed it and decided that what I had was okay for the man. When I walked up to him with my offerings and told him what I had, he smiled so big. I wonder if he thought I was never coming out or perhaps I had the ladies call the cops. He thanked me and said "God bless you." And I thought to myself he has and he does. Because he does I am able to do this. I am so grateful to be blessed in the ways that I am, and I am so joyful at opportunities to serve his people. And it's often hard, but I am happy when I feel I am put in my place. :)
So last night I went grocery shopping. I am not going to lie. Easiest trip ever. I know exactly where my food are located. And I didn't even try to think about what I was going to eat after this week. I figured I might pick something things up for later, but when I was there it didn't cross my mind. I got my foods (easy, 7 foods doesn't take that long) and some things for the boys. I chose my foods based on the fact the mixed well and I love them. I didn't want to lose focus of why I am doing this.
Last night because I went to the store and knew cooking time would be limited, I picked up a bag pre-cooked Tyson's chicken for dinner. While it was cooking the microwave I cut tomatoes, onion, and jalapenos, when the chicken was done I shredded it, then mixed it all together for what I call chicken salsa salad. Its good eaten with corn tortilla chips or wrapped in a corn tortilla. I am so grateful for the creativity God bestowed on me.
I was still battling a caffeine headache, but it wasn't as bad as the morning time. I think the hardest part has been the drinking only water. No juice, no milk, no coffee, no tea, no Dr. Pepper. I drink water, but not as much as I should. I lean on coffee, tea, and Dr. Pepper to get me through the day. I should be leaning on my Heavenly Father. We (especially me) have so many different crutches to get us through our day. When I am lonely, I turn to Facebook to see what my friends and family are up to. When I am feeling blah, I turn to TV for entertainment. When I am dragging, I find some food or get a cup-o-joe. I'm not saying checking Facebook, watching TV, or grabbing that bit of caffeine is completely awful or should never be done. But when we forget to lean on God, or use these things as distraction or avoidance of our God it is bad. When these things take His place in our lives they become Idols. Right now I am focusing on the food portion. I have a feeling everything else will be addressed in due time. I keep talking about getting back to basics and focusing on what should be priorty in my life. All that talking just ends up being talk. This is a real excercise in re-prioritizing. The first of many. A step in the right direction.
Day one was great! I made my foods and ate them happily. I was constantly thinking about the great gals who are journeying along side me. I thought about each of them who I knew and the characteristics God have given them that are so different than the ones he gave me. I spent time thinking about all the different things we each have to bring to the table. How He made us to encourage and inspire each other. The way he works is awesome and amazing. I am truly grateful for the people He has placed in my life. I was excited all day for the work that could be done in my life when I am willing to focus on Him all day.
Last night I went to bed with the worst headache of my life. I am totally dependant on caffeine. It is ridiculous, but it is what it is. I woke up to the same headache and was crazy nauseous.
Today, day two, has been rougher in ways I wouldn't have thought. I am blessed to have so much food in my house that my babies shall never have to wonder when they will eat next. I have sorely taken for granted the many time I feed my children everyday and just swipe food from their plate. It is a habit I didn't realize I did without really even thinking what I was doing. This morning I put the tiniest guy in his highchair and put a couple handfuls of Fruit Loops on his tray. I went to pop a few in my mouth. I had to stop myself and think "what am I doing?". I sat in my chair at the table and pulled him closer. As we sat here he got fussy, he really loves us to do the same things...so usually I pop one of his foodies in my mouth and make yummy-yummy noises and he happily goes back to munching. This morning I once again caught myself. As I sat here nauseous (thank you vicious headache) I thought about my planned breakfast of eggs. The thought of cooking eggs and then eating nearly had me running for the restroom. So I sat here, thinking of all the breakfast-y foods I have sitting around. I have apples, yogurt, a grapefruit, the makings of a fruit smoothie, toast, waffle mix, muffin mix, fruit loops, and oatmeal. Crazy enough...that is my pantry nearly bare. On average I have 2 more variety's of cereal, breakfast bars, bagels, pancake mix, bananas, bacon, and sausage. Here I sit, thinking of all this food in my house I can not eat...when there are people who are living daily with much less than what I have in my bare pantry. And that was only the breakfast selections.
We are blessed, in more ways than we can count. Sure, we are grateful on a level....but on another level we are so greedy. I am greedy. I love good food, and lots of it.
I like to think I am aware of those who are less fortunate than me, but I sure do not think of them as often as I should.
Last week I read the first chapter of 7-Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. In summary it is the author's a month of eating 7 foods. It was a fast from excess eating in preparation for all the fasts to come in the book.
As this is something I have been pondering and struggling to wrap my mind around, I too have decided to take on a 7 food fast. We eat so much crap all the time, stuff that isn't essential to our well being. We throw away ridiculous amount of uneaten food for many reasons: we don't like it, we are full, it has gone bad in the fridge before we get to it, we messed it up in the process of cooking, and the dreaded leftovers that got forgotten because we can't have the same thing twice. I struggled with picking simple enough food to prepare, foods that I really love and hopefully won't end up complaining about, and I think they mix and match well. When it is all said and done...It is not about the food I don't eat or the food I do eat. It is about being aware of my usual waste, my lack of gratitude, and a spiritual revitalization.
For accountability's sake, my food choices are: eggs, avocados, tomatoes, onions, jalapenos, corn tortillas, and chicken. For 7 days I can eat these 7 foods with salt, pepper, and olive oil sparingly. And can only drink water.
I am excited for the potential clarity of body, mind, and most importantly spirit.
Another lady brought up the biblical concept of fasting....the purpose behind it, the process, situations....I am planing on doing some research because of her questioning. I don't think we need to just do things blindly, but here I am going in blindly. I hope to come out refreshed and informed. I want to focus on His love, mercy, grace, and His supreme authority. He gives and takes away, He sustains and snuffs out, He is my provider, my shelter, the wind beneath my wings. At the end of everyday I am blessed. Ridiculously blessed. I need to be more grateful. I need to be more humble.
I just listened to this song and thought to share it.
When in doubt, turn to worship.
I pray this week for God to meet me where I am and fill me up.
Fill me with Himself and what He wants me to get out of this.
That for me there is a change from the inside out.
There are so many cries from my heart at this point that there really are no words.
I just can't wait to see how God will work this week.
Starting a new book study with the chicka-bonitas at church.
First, I must say I have been super blessed with these ladies at church. They have a love for our maker that is contagious and encouraging. If I ever feel lost, I simply look around and there is someone to unknowingly point the way. If ever I feel less in anyway, it is not because anyone makes me feel that way. I believe it is God using them and the example the represent to move my heart closer to him and set my course true. I am forever grateful for the shining beacons of his love that this group of ladies are, the encouragement they share, and the wisdom they pour out.
Second, I feel this book is going to touch on so many areas in my life in which I have been personally stuggling. I deep down know my maker knows I need a support team in my endeavors, and he worked this book into my life and the lives of those around me. He has worked us into this group on purpose and I just can't wait to see what he has instore for our little group.
7-Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jan Hatmaker is the book. I started reading it one morning before the babies woke up and forced myself to set it down. I don't want to rush through it as is my usual. I want to take it slow, follow it, and really apply it to myself. I really want to make some serious changes in my life. I need all of me to be poured out and all of Him poured in. I hope this book is what has been missing in all my attempted failures.
If you are like me and just like to dig up more and more untill you can't get enough this is Jen Hatmaker's blog and website.
Im taking lessons from my amazing husband, I find my self speaking less and listening more. My momma told me God gave me two ears and one mouth on purpose. I have a heart the size of Texas, and everything that comes from that place inside me passionately and like a mighty rushing river. Im learning that everything I feel to say, doesn't always have to be said. Relationships and community are impor
tant, they come way before politics and agendas. When people leave my presence, I hope they feel the love and compassion and mercy being poured out of me bestowed on me from above. When we line up on either side of any line in the sand, Tug-of-war begins, and really no one wins. Relationships are not built, people are not met, love is not share. Personally, I do my best not to draw lines, I try my hardest to meet people where they are at and share a love that is bigger than myself.
Ahhhh...I have a good bit to say. The thing is, it is late. I am tired and will be teaching my very first Sunday school lesson in the morning with dear hubster. I hear 4 year olds can be a tough crowd, I say bring it on.
I seriously ned to get on top of this blogging biz-ness.
....which the title and that statement shall lead into a post tomorow..
.....fingers crossed that is..
the section in which God created man and then blessed them.
Ann Spangler asks thought provoking questions today. "Have you ever wondered why the world you take for granted is often so stunningly beautiful? Why the people around you are capable of so much kindness?" She gives a few examples of how we take things for granted. It makes me think of the many ways I do this very thing. Living here in the panhandle of Texas brings about many changes of weather, often times with in one day. This past Sunday their were many grumbles of the wind. I was one of them. But that wind brought through some much needed rain, and it stayed but a minute. Had it lasted longer than that, I know there would have been grumbles of the excessive wetness. Ann writes about us missing the beauty in life because we focus on the negativity and the flaws, this includes ourselves. I could be taller, thinner, and a whole list of other things....But I know I am perfect in His sight. I am completely grateful that He made me just the way I am. I am flawed, perfectly so. He made us each individuals and totally different than anybody else. The way He molded men perfectly for being fathers, providers, husbands, and sons......The way He made women perfectly for being mothers, caretakers, wives, and daughters. When I hold my small children, when I watch them grow, I am fully awed at His creative genius that makes something so very tiny that can grow so very large. Knowing that a woman was made to not only carry a seed that will grow into this awesome little being, but also to continue to nourish this little person with food and love that the Heavenly Father instilled in her. He has taken care of our every need by putting everything on this Earth needed for life: oxygen, water, food, sun, breeze, and each other. What a mighty God we serve. He has done marvelous things!!
Tonight, ask God to renew your sense of awe at His creative power.
Key Scripture: In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Genesis 1:1
Today's reading is of Genesis 1. Ehohim is the first name use3d to describe God. We are to remember that he is the one who began it all by creating the world in all it's wonders, that He is soveriegn.
In the "Studying the Name" portion of this devo today it explains that Genesis is a word that can mean "birth, hitsory of origin, or geneology". The first question asked is what can you observe about who God is from this passage about beginnings? Just dwelling on his creative nature awes me. I like to think He blessed me with a wonderful imagination and a delightful creative side. There is an end to my creative juices, my newest addiction is the website Pinterest...it is here I find inspiration. Not only is there no end to what He can do or create, He is his own inspiration. We humans were created in His image. That thought brings me great joy! It brings my thoughts to the 3 wonderful sons He has blessed me with. I see my eyes here, my nose there, my smile.....Seeing my self in them tickles me so! I can't even begin to imagine the great joy and pride he might have when He sits back and looks at what He has done....In that moment when He thought "It was very good". The last question asks how does God's assesment of creation shape your own attitude toward the world and toward yourself? I think to say that I am awed is an understatement. I am awed, full of joy, and in a very real sense...speachless. It makes me feel treasured that He would create such beauty for my eyes to enjoy, cool rain to cool my skin, and the aroma that is fall for the pleasure of my nose. I feel compelled to take an extra moment to watch the sun set. I feel truely blessed to be able to share the joys of this world with my children and experience it all anew through their eyes.
Everything about this reading, my thoughts, and feelings makes me think of the David Crowder Band song Everything Glorious. Therefore I shall attach their video.
This last week was a wirlwind. No lie.
School, 3kids, 1husband, 1dog, 1missing dog, housework, and just a teensy bit of me time...and th eweek was gone. Im not sure if Im going to get a handle on it all, I may have bitten of more than I can chew.
Hope I don't just choke.
"So take me as you find me, All my fears and failures. Fill my life again.
I give my life to follow, everything I believe in. Now I surrender."
As Christians we know we are flawed.
In my experience, I find it easier to except the flaws in others. When I am failing, I find it hard to reach out. I haven't always found the most excepting people, it makes me want to hide all my failures. I know I can always bring it to my King. He loves me, He treasures me, He is amazingly awesome in all possible ways. "He rose and conquered the grave."!!!!!! I don't know that there are enough exclamations to follow that statement in the whole world.
"Everyone needs compassion, A love that's never-ending. Let mercy fall on me.
Everyone needs forgiveness, The kindness of a Savior. The hope of Nations."
I'm called to share compassion with all peoples. ALL peoples. Called to share HIS love. I can only hope that mercy be shown to me. People do things....sometimes without thinking and sometimes they know fully well what they are doing....and these things require forgiveness. If my Savior can forgive me, who am I to deny anyone what was freely given me??
I think this is how I find it much easier to except people where they they are in life no matter what.
I refuse to hide who I am and how I am. I am made the way I am to be who I am by a perfect King. And if I give all to Him, to do with what He desires, I can do no wrong.
I surrender.
I surrender.
I surrender to My Maker.
I will forever strive to:
Love His People, His Creation.
Forgive all, Be compassionate with all.
"Shine your light and let the whole world see.
That we're singing for the glory of the risen King. Jesus."
I surrender to be a vessel of light, love, compassion.
That everything I do and say be glorifying to Him.
Sadly, some days I will fail. But I refuse to let that get me down.
I WILL get up, put on my big girl panties, and start each day fresh.
Start each day as a Beloved Daughter of the King.
So, next Monday I will be starting my devotional book Praying the Names of God by Ann Spangler. Im really excited because I had started this a few years ago and never finished it. I really enjoyed it the first time and am looking forward to following through to the end.
Next Tuesday I start back to my local community college where I am pursuing an associates degree in human science. I hope the routine of school will help keep me disaplined and focused in my endeavor.
I hope to keep this organized and well written...No promises.
"Mommy, you broke my heart by taking taking that candy away."
Me. "Baby, I am soo sorry about your sad heart."
"Mommy, don't say sorry a me. Fix it."
Me "Okay. How are we suppose to fix it?" .....thinking to myself, you are not getting that candy.
"You can pray at God. He can fix it.......with duct tape."
As a young mom, I am still a work in progress. God is sooo not done with me yet. I don't always say the right thing, talk in the right tone of voice, or always keep my cool. But, I do apologize when I mess up, I do my best to make ammends with my children, and I do my best to lead them to Christ. This mommy prays with her babies....in times of joy, times of sorrow, when we don't know what to do, when we have too much to do....we are sure to give thanks, we ask for forgiveness, definately ask for healing.....
Even when they don't fully understand what is going on, my children have communication with our Maker.
And they know that God has it all under control, expecially when mommy doesn't.
And that to me, is way more important than always getting it right as a mommy.
It is our job as parents to raise our babies up in the Lord--to teach them to pray and to praise. This song makes me chuckle.
Music is one way I connect with my maker.
I find the words that other people write often express better how I feel, than I ever could. It also can convey the mood better than simple written words can.
Because I feel this way, I will probably post music videos.
I am and always will be falling in love with my maker.
